Monday, May 26, 2008

Everything Tempory, Nothing Lasts

Lately I think I have been in a funk.

The past few weeks have flown by and I am not sure why I feel like I do. I have spent this weekend moving and the place I am moving to rocks and will be a lot of fun. But I know that it isn't a permanent thing and that in six months or so, I will be looking for another place. I really want a house of my own but this will do for now and it will definitely be more relaxing than living with my parents.

My jobs(pick one)are going nowhere. I don't feel like a ton of the work I do is very helpful to anyone and I have a sneaking suspicion that my good job exists just so the state has someplace to throw money at to make it look like they care about people with disabilities. Don't get me wrong, I think I do some good at my job and possibly, more than I realize, but I just don't feel like much of anything ever gets accomplished with any of the people I deal with and hear about. One exception to this is one of my clients. He is doing so well since I started with him that he will no longer need services in a month or two. This is great for him but it means I get a pay cut because I am down one client when he is taken out of the program.

A while ago I was hopeful about getting an emergency special ed teaching job but now that is looking less likely. The Boise school district called me and told me that they weren't even going to screen me because I am not close to getting my Special Ed certification. I was told that they would have to be extremely desperate in order to hire me. I understand their position but that didn't feel too great to hear. I still have some hope for Meridian and I need to get my app into Kuna this next week. I hope that something comes through on that end because I need a new job that has some kind of a future.

It also feels like everyone around me minus a couple of people has become totally unreliable. Unreliable isn't the right word, maybe distant. Maybe that is just me projecting that feeling because I feel a billion miles away a lot of the time. I am just having a hard time feeling like I am fitting in anywhere lately. It isn't anything that people have or haven't done, I just don't feel like almost anything is right at the moment and I don't know why. I feel very alone in a sea of people and places I am extremely familiar with. I go places and I do things but I don't feel like I am connected to any of it.

I am moving to Ben's parent's house. Tonight will be my first night there. The house is at the top of a hill that overlooks everything. Perhaps I am not seeing the forest for the trees and by moving up there, I will be able to get a clearer view of what is going on with me. Why is it that when I am out of my element I excel but when I am in places I should be comfortable I feel so trapped and transient at the same time?


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