The Past Three Days

So a few nights ago, I had Maya and her friend over for dinner and that was a blast.

The following day, Maya and I went out for coffee and then she took me to a park and we watched monkeys for a little while. Monkeys are cute little buggers when they are small.

Yesterday, Maya and I went to Fukuchiyama Castle and hung out for a little while. We were the only ones there and so we went to the top of the castle and just sat on the floor and looked out over the entire city for a bit. When she was little she used to come to the castle and play in it. We both decided that we need houses that have master bedrooms with the view that the top of the castle offers.

I told her yesterday that I would leave her alone today and let her do her own thing but man, its hard not to text her. She even suggested maybe watching a movie today but I told her that was her call and if she got bored, she could call me. So far, no call but thats okay, we have hung out together for the past three days and I needed to do dishes and take out the garbage anyways.

So anywho, thats that. I am not sure what else to say because I am not sure where I stand with her. I think she may like me and if thats the case thats sweet because I haven't had a crush on someone in a long time the way that I have on her. She is funny and smart and really cute. To top it off, she speaks really good English, has nice teeth, and doesn't smoke. YAY!

Yeah, its been a good week. I am trying not to get too far ahead of myself and I am trying not to over anaylze every little detail of all of the times we have hung out. I am trying hard not to think at all, I think I think too much when it comes to relationships and I just want to have fun but its kind of hard for me to do. After she dropped me off at my class after we visited the park, I almost started crying once I got into my classroom. I didn't know whether to be happy or afraid or what. I ended up just being mad at myself for not being able to take the day for what it was and have fun. I am still kind of afraid and for a few different reasons. First, I am not good at picking up on signs and hints. I am trying really hard to be more observant but man, trying hard takes the fun out of it and stresses me out hardcore. I am being more overt in letting her know that I like her but at the same time, trying not to scare her off because to be quite honest, I am lonely as hell and wouldn't mind horribly if she were to move into my apartment tomorrow. No, we haven't talked about anything like that, I am just saying. I am afraid that I act too needy sometimes. I am afraid that maybe I don't really like her that much and that I am just really really lonely but the more I think about it, the more I think that isn't the case. And in the end, I am afraid of getting into a relationship with her and having it turn out like the others. But I am also afraid to pass the possibility of something more meaningful up because I am only thinking about the past. The biggy though is that I am afraid of what will happen when she goes to Italy for six months next year. But again, I am trying not to think to far ahead of myself.

Its funny because I am remembering all of the reasons I can't stand dating and the beginnings of relationships but at the same time, why I really love the beginnings of relationships, if that is indeed what this is. Bottom line: Being single and living alone in a small town and a dingy apartment building is simpler but hanging out with Maya is a lot more fun. I think I complicate life way too much for myself sometimes.