Thursday, March 23, 2006

Introspection, Retrospection, and Anything Else That Can Cause Me to Lose Sleep


As it stands, I really should be asleep right now. I have to be up and lively in almost six hours and the problem is that I am up and lively now. Thats seems to be a trend in my life.

As the title suggests, I have been thinking again and whenever I do that, I start losing sleep. Whether I am dwelling on what I deem positive or negative aspects of my life, the first thing that jumps ship is my sleep. It sucks. Sometimes I just think I am wired to function at night, plain and simple.

Either way, remarks that have been said over the past while have caused me to think and dwell and here I am. A week or two ago, TPLConjecture and I were chatting and he mentioned that the one good thing about my living a relatively secluded lifestyle is that I would become more self-sufficient. After devoting many hours to this thought, I have come to agreement with him. In a few hours, I have to give a small presentation on traditions in my family, my family tree, and games I played when I was little. This is to help both the Japanese teachers and the foreign teachers get a glimpse of where the other is coming from. I do not like thinking about traditions.

There are namely two reasons for this: A) My family does not have an abundance of tradition. It is just the way we are or the way we came to be. I remember traditions we had when I was little but very few of them continue to this day. Its not a big deal really and its not a bad thing but it gets me thinking about other stuff.
B) The other stuff is Mushi and her family. They had a ton of traditions that they did with each other and that I liked and have fond memories of.

This last reason comes back to what TPLConjecture said to me. If I were in Japan this time last year, I could not have done it. I would have come back to the States crying and angry. Stuff that has happened since this time last year has made me a stronger person than I have ever been. In turn, Japan is teaching me things about myself that I could have never learned otherwise. Even after a few months of being here on my own, I am pretty confident I can go anywhere in the world and survive. One of my strengths and at the same time, a weakness of mine, is that I am a people person to the core of my being. This is great when I need to interact with people and find means of surviving in a foreign land. Not that survival is that difficult in a modern country such as Japan, but try making hotel reservations over the phone with someone who doesn"t speak English worth a damned and then you will get my drift. The flipside of that is that being a people person absolutely sucks when there are no people to have interactions with. I think this is changing though.

Things that have happened to me over the past year have made me stronger and allowed me to go to the next level, or if not the next level, at least a different one in life. This level is teaching me stuff that never would have occurred to me in my old life. Stuff that as a whole, I think is making me a more rounded out person. I have never thought of myself as being shallow but I feel like I have more depth to me. Does this make sense?

I have also been debating as to whether or not I am going through a mean bout of depression as of late and I have come to this conclusion. I don't think I am depressed so much as I am laying facts about myself and my past on the table for me to deal with and it has been hard. I have also been questioning my future (again) and that has been somewhat troubling too. I am not so much worried about my future as I just want to know what is waiting for me in the future. Does that make sense?

I have also come to accept the fact that I am not over Mushi (is a year enough to be truly over someone you did everything with for almost five years...dunno)or maybe a better way of putting it is that I have found a shelf on which to sit that whole topic and have come to terms with the realities of it. I think a better way to put that even is that I understand why things happened and I am somewhat okay with the way things are now, but I miss certain aspects of the person that I remember Mushi being and sometimes I am harshly reminded of those memories. Try coming to a country that both you and your significant other shared a liking of and thinking "Hey, so and so would really dig this" or "Damn, I wish so and so could be here to see this and talk about it with me." Japan has done that to me a lot. She and I have changed a lot but I still remember old Mushi and I do miss old Mushi at times.

One of my mottoes before leaving to come here was "Go to Japan and your problems go away." That hasn't really happened to the extent that I thought it would. The motto would now be "Go to Japan and deal with the problems that you came here to escape." All in all the new motto is probably healthier and more mature than the old one. :)
I think I came here because I thought that the act of moving to Japan alone would show me or act as a catalyst for what I should do for the next bit of my life. I am now realizing that it is more like I am learning how to show myself what that next bit of my life is and making it my own thing instead of having it handed to me and/or doing it because I am expected to or because it was the easiest most logical solution at the time. Does this make sense?

About this time last year, I made a post in which I proclaimed that I was for the first time, doing my own laundry and that I was maturing. The post was indeed marking a turning point for me but it was also an odd attempt to show Mushi that I was more of the grown up person I knew she had been looking for in me. Her basic response to that post was that it was too little too late. That amongst other things pissed me off to no end. I was an angry, jerk of a person a year ago. I suppose I had a right to be, just like Mushi had the right to find someone that was more stable and ready to handle the responsibility that I was in some aspects, floundering in. I tried my hardest to be a good husband to her, that is one thing that I still take pride in. I tried so hard to make her feel loved and special. The word "try" and the word "do" are totally different. Trying works in kindergarten and art class. Doing works at all other times. Is there a part of me that is still upset by being rejected, sure. Is there a part of me that tingles with jealousy when I think she meets and hangs out with other guys, sure. I think these are natural feelings when had in moderation. But a big chunk of me is glad she made the decision that she did. She wasn't happy with who I was then and quite honestly I am still not sure whether I was either, I don't think so. If we had stayed married, I would have never grown like I am now. And perhaps more importantly, she would still be unhappy. The difference between the two of us then was that I couldn't or refused to see a lot of this and she could. And the thing I respect her for the most was that she had the balls to instigate the change that would benefit both of us for our own good. I took the divorce a lot harder than she did I think and at times I was so angry that she never felt or seemed to indicate to me that she was remorseful of the whole thing. I used to get so angry because I knew she was enjoying being alone while I was absolutely miserable. I know now, least I think now, that she seemed that way because that course of action and the whole divorce and everything associated with it, seemed right to her and true to her heart. She knew it was for the better and found solace in that notion. Maybe I am wrong, maybe not, either way, I think in the end it all worked out for the better. I said that a year ago, I know that now.

This whole post has gotten wordy but I have a tendancy to do that. It just seems like so much stuff as of late has happened in a way that has made me feel like it is happening for a reason. I don't want this post to come off as preachy but I can feel myself changing. I am thinking differently than I ever have before and I think I am acting differently too. Do I still get lonely here sometimes, yes, is that usually when I start to think of the past, yes, but I feel like I am different somehow. This whole living in seclusion, no one to talk to for the most part thing sucks when I am looking at it at that very moment. But when I step out of the situation, I can see how it has been extremely beneficial to me. If such a thing as Enlightenment exists, I think this is the closest I have ever been to it. At the same time, I feel like I am nowhere close to it. I guess what I am saying is that I think I still have room to grow but it used to be that I didn't even or wasn't able to even see that. I feel a tad like I should wake up at any moment, come out of the Matrix, and say "I know Kung-fu."



At 12:14 PM, Anonymous MRSBLAM said...

Ahhh Mogwai san,

You are indeed a man grown to the perfection of sensitivity. Many a woman will love you as you are... a fanastic man of reallity. Do not doubt your humble being. It is true, honorable and of great humor.
The Lam family will be in Hong Kong in July of this year, come and stay with us and take Tony-san back with you to show him the sights and lifestyle of the great and powerful Mogwai_san. You have indeed taken hold of your destiny. Be proud.

At 12:25 AM, Anonymous Phyrry said...

Hey, I'm glad you're growing because of all this, and for whatever it's worth, you've got my support and admiration.

And I'm also glad Arizona syndrome is kicking in, because the sooner each of us learn it, the better off we are... Ask Jim about his friend Dave, who lives in Arizona now, sometime.

Which reminds me, I reallyreally should update my damn LJ.

At 10:54 AM, Anonymous phear said...

You think that's air you're breathing now?

At 1:09 PM, Blogger Heather said...

Hi. Um, this is a little awkward cuz you don't know me at all. I'm Heather. Jake gave me a link to his blog a month ago. That, in turn, led me to your blog and -- curious creature that I am -- it peaked my interest so I've been reading...

Anyway, I just had to say "wow." What an incredibly open, honest, and self-aware entry you just made. While the past month may be an exception to the rule, I'm not usually impressed. By anything. Or anyone. But what you just wrote? Wow. That's awesome. You are, I'm certain, a great person worth knowing and being with and I have to agree with MrsBlam about what the future will hold for ya.

Best of Luck..or..Destiny..or whatever you want to call it.



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