Friday, December 02, 2005

Its Getting Closer

As I type this, I am not sure whether I want to cry, go running, go to sleep, or hit something. I am full of a lot of really weird energy right now that has made me feel really on edge the past couple of days.

Today, I have received three emails from my new employer and that has gotten me all antsy. I think the reason is because A)I am getting really excited to go B)I am getting really creeped out by the fact that I am going to live in a totally different country where they speak a totally different language C)I am starting to think about all of the things that I will miss when I leave and it is making me feel really lonely D)I am starting to get worried about my car not selling and other financial stuff.

I think the loneliness this is what is really bothering me. Mushi called me the other night to tell me an extremely random news event that was happening in the neighborhood we used to live in. Some guy caused a gas leak that caused the neighborhood to be evacuated and then was holding a hostage and refused to come out of his house. Either way, whenever Mushi makes contact with me anymore, it freaks me out for some reason. Actually, "freaks me out" may be a tad harsh, it just unsettles me a tad. I like the fact that she can feel like she can still call me and is comfortable with all of this that we have created for ourselves but at the same time, I don't like getting started into thinking about us again. Whatever.

I guess what unsettles me is not the fact that she calls me but the fact that everytime she does, it holds a mirror up to me going to Japan and I start to question my reasoning for wanting to go. There are tons of really good reasons for me to go to Japan and all but one of them are positive. I would be lying if I said that me just wanting to run away and escape all of this and all of my memories of this city/state/coast did not play into my decision to go to Japan. There is that part of me that gets sick of remembering going to places and doing things with Mushi everytime I drive my car past a landmark or restaurant or building in this town. All of it is connected to memory and I want to make new memories that are not associated with my old life. I want to move on with my life and getting out of Boise, Idaho is the only way I can do that. I wonder if she ever feels like this or gets these weird bursts of memory that come out of nowhere and blindside her for an instant. I don't think she does and that makes me just the slightest bit of jealous. Then again, maybe she does get them too. Then again, why the hell do I even care? At least when I am in Japan, I will have an excuse to feel lonely.

I think I am just being negative because I have slept two hours in as many days and I am starting to get tired and am thinking about things that don't really need to be thought about. I am getting very excited to go to Japan now though. :) I think I will be learning what city I will be living in permanently in the next few days and just the thought of staying somewhere permanent for a solid year with out moving gets me all anxious to go. The fact that I will have a place of my own is icing on the cake. Ok, I think I am starting to feel better now just thinking about this stuff. Sorry I was all negative up above and that this post has been more of a brainstorm than a post. If I were a reader of my blog and I didn't know me, I would get sick of hearing some nerdy guy whine about past relationships all the time. I apologize for that, I just have to get it out sometimes and this is the only place that I really like to do it.

I am going to go to sleep now though. Goodnight all!


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