Last year, my Thanksgiving post was much easier. I was married and happy. Sure, there were problems but I had a clear cut path to follow when it came to my relationship and that part was figured out. Life was generally good.
This year is weird. I have been tossing around the notion in my head that this year, I have broken even on the "good things/bad things" meter. I don't know, I am definitely thankful for my family and God and Japan and all of that but there is other stuff I am thankful for too.
I am thankful Mushi found a way to be happy this year. I am thankful that we did everything when we did and didn't put it off. I am thankful that the divorce brought my family and I closer. I am thankful that I am more independent and self-sufficient than I was last year. I am thankful for my friends and the people I met this year that quite possibly kept me from going crazy. I am thankful that two weeks from today, I will quit my job. Lastly, I give thanks that I don't consider myself a failure, which, is something that I was unsure of last year. The one funny part is the one thing that I thought I was pretty good at ended up being the one thing that came crashing down the quickest. I am thankful that I have found out stuff about myself that only the events of this year could have shown me.
Today was a different day, the entire day, I felt like I should be with Mushi's family for at least part of the day. I have been with them for part of every Thanksgiving for the past four or five years. Oh well. I am guessing Christmas will be like that too and am preparing myself for it. I have decided that this year, I am going to totally immerse myself in my family and try not to think about myself or be alone at all this Christmas. Maybe if my mind is on other stuff, I won't be remembering what I was doing last Christmas. I know that is not the right frame of mind that I should be coping with all of this in but I am not sure what else to do. Lately, my new mantra has been "Go to Japan and your problems go away." When you are trying to destroy data on a hard drive, the only good way to do it is to delete it and then write new data over it several times over. That is what I am trying to do with my mind. Japan is an escape and an awesome opportunity that I am thankful for.
I was going to try to make this a positive entry but I don't think it worked out that way. I just don't feel horribly positive right now and I don't know whether these feelings are justified or not. Why can't I shake my memories and feelings? I don't want a lot of them right now. On the other hand, I am thankful for the pain because it reminds me that I am alive; without it, good times would not be nearly as good.