Thursday, September 29, 2005


I was lying in bed just now when a wave of loneliness swept over me and provoked a somewhat curious thought. Since the whole divorce thing, I have been busy. I have been doing things, travelling, working out, pirating endless streams of data, reading, working, going out with Vixen, whatever, but in the end, one thing is for sure. I do not allow myself a lot of time to meditate on things. I am a doer.

Part of this stems from the fact that I know that when I have downtime, that is when I get most depressed. I don't like being retrospective or introspective particularly. When I am doing things, I am not thinking about what I am not doing. The exception to this has been the past month or so when I could not help to think that I was pretty much a failure up to this point in my life. This caused me not to sleep.

I think it is moderately funny that I am going to Japan. One of the places that I have dreamed about visiting since I can remember, and I am going to live there. That is crazy. The other thing that makes me kind of crack up is the fact that Japan is known to be one of the most lonely places for a Westerner to go to and I will be living there. Of all the emotions that one can muster in their lives, loneliness is the one that I am most scared of and that I most dread. Yet, there is part of me that has an overwhelming drive to be alone. I think parts of my mind are secretly plotting to make me think about everything I have done up to this point and come to terms with it. I haven't done this with some stuff as thoroughly as I should have and I think that I am pushing myself to do it.

Oh yeah, the whole insomnia you wanna know what started it? It all started because of a dream. The dream was encouraged by a question that a girl I work with asked me about my relationship with Mushi. She asked me, "You have to have had some good times with Mushi or else you wouldn't have stayed together as long as you did. Do you remember some of those good times?" When she asked me that, I had to think. I could remember great experiences that Mushi and I shared when we were first going out but after that, they petered off substantially. That made me really sad.

That night I went to sleep and for the first time in quite a few months I had a dream about Mushi. We were in a house, though not ours, and we were making dinner. We were in the kitchen together and we were cooking together. While we cooked, we talked and played and it was in this dream that I remembered all of the things that made me fall in love with Mushi to begin with and made me so fond of her. She was being playful and giggling and I was so happy to see her in this mood. This went on for a while and then I woke up.

I was alone in a big bed in the basement apartment of an older house that I share with Demonator. I felt so let down and alone right then that I kind of felt like I didn't ever want to sleep again and risk having another dream like that. The following night I only slept for a few hours and the same was true for the next night. By the third night, I wasn't sleeping at all. Then for a few days, I could only sleep thanks to sleeping pills. All because of a really really good dream that made me hate reality for a while. But the funny thing about that dream is that it enabled me to think about the positive aspects of Mushi and not just the negative ones. I feel more comfortable thinking about Mushi now because I am remembering her in a positive light. The negative stuff is still there and we had a ton of it in our relationship....thus the failure of it. But I remember good stuff now too and that makes me a tad more at ease with the whole thing for some reason. I don't like being mad a Mushi and I think that I was eating myself up by demonizing her in my mind as a way to make me feel better about the whole thing. I locked a lot of stuff away for some reason and all of that memory is coming back out again. All because of that one really good question.

It is odd how many steps one must take to fully come to grips with things that happen in their lives. To remember my feelings from seven or eight months ago and to recall the anger I had and then to flashforward to now, it is almost a Zen thing. I am much more at peace. The quitting Costco and going to Japan thing helps with this too but I am much more calm now. Anger still creeps in here and there as does loneliness and anxiety. But not as much as before and at least now when I don't sleep it is because of positive forces playing through my life. Its all so weird, maybe because I think I am a largely negative person. I am trying not to be anymore.

I had another shorter dream about Mushi a night or two ago. When I woke up, I wasn't dissappointed or sad, I just was.


At 2:59 PM, Anonymous Phyrry said...

The Internet is good for loneliness. I made a lot of friends online when I was in high school and homeschooled; it helped.

Of course, you could always try and snag Scarlett Johanssen, and that's a good (though less probable) solution itself.

At 8:38 PM, Blogger Linguist Jake said...

Please, though, should you snag Scarlett, don't make a long drawn out movie about it that I can never finish even though I own it and try at least once a month to do so.

As for the bread and butter, the crux of your problem, I will say this. I've known you for a little over a decade now, but you still don't tell me jack and shit about your life beyond the very surface layer stuff.

Maybe you'd feel less alone if you actually let your friends be friends when you need them to be. Kinda sucks that the internet as a whole finds this shit out before I do.

At 2:20 AM, Anonymous Tony said...

Mmmm...loves checks!

At 2:34 AM, Blogger Mogwai said...


Its not that I don't want to tell you guys stuff, it hads more to do with the way that I want to phrase it and writing it down seems to work best for me.

Also, usually when I am thinking about this stuff it is because I am sitting around not doing anything. Which also means that it is around 4am. When I go to sleep...when...I usually forget about everything and feel better when I wake up.

Trust me, I know you guys are my friends and most of us go back ten years or more...especially are my friend and in acting as such you hold up your, for the lack of a better term "responsibilities", just fine. You help me, you all help me, more than you all know.


At 9:47 AM, Anonymous personal development said...

Many people know the importance of self confidence and try to boost their own by using many different personal development models. Self confidence to most people is the ability to feel at ease in most situations but low self confidence in many areas may be due to a lack of self esteem. Low self esteem takes a more subtle form that low self confidence. So if you are tired of feeling not good enough, afraid of moving towards your desires and goals, feel that no matter what you do it is just never good enough, then your self esteem could do with a boost.

Every day we make decisions based on our level of self-esteem. We also exhibit that level of self esteem to those around us through our behaviour. 90% of all communication is non-verbal - it is not what you say but ho you say it that matters! Your body language, tonality and facial gestures can all tell a completely different story to your words. It is our behaviour which influences others and people react to us by reading our non-verbal communications. Have you ever met someone you just didn't like although on the surface they seemed polite and courteous, or you met someone who seemed to speak confidently yet you knew they were really frightened underneath and just displaying bravado?

Parental and peer influences play a major part in moulding our level of self-esteem when we are children and in our early years of adolescence. The opinions of the people closest to us and how they reacted to us as individuals or part of the group was a dominant factor in the processes involved in forming our self esteem.

As adults we tend to perpetuate these beliefs about ourselves and in the vast majority of cases they are ridiculously erroneous. It is time to re-evaluate our opinion of ourselves and come to some new conclusions about these old belief patterns.

Ask yourself some serious question:
Is your long-held view about yourself accurate? Do we respect the sources from which we derived these beliefs? Most of the negative feedback we bought into as we were growing up actually came from people we have little or no respect for and as adults we would probably laugh their comments away! Yet the damage to your self esteem was done when you were very young and you still carry it with you to this day.

Is it possible that even those people you respected, who influenced your self-worth, were wrong? Perhaps they had low self esteem also.

As adults we have the opportunity to reshape our self-esteem. Try to judge accurately the feedback you receive from people you respect. This process will allow you to deepen your understanding of yourself and expand your self-image. It will also show you were you actually need to change things about yourself and were you don't. Many people are striving to better themselves in areas where they are just fine or actually excelling and it is only because they have an inaccurate picture of themselves in their minds due to low self esteem!

Setting small goals and achieving them will greatly boost your self-esteem. Identify your real weakness and strengths and begin a training program to better your inter-personal or professional skills. This will support you in your future big life goals and boost your self-esteem and self confidence to high levels you didn't existed!

Learn to recognise what makes you feel good about yourself and do more of it. Everyone has certain things that they do which makes them feel worthwhile but people with low self esteem tend to belittle these feelings or ignore them.

Take inventory of all the things that you have already accomplished in your life no matter how small they may seem. Recognise that you have made achievements in your life and remember all the positive things that you have done for yourself and others. Take a note of your failures and don't make excuses like "I'm just not good enough" or "I just knew that would happen to me", analyse the situation and prepare yourself better for the next time. If someone else created success, regardless of the obstacles, then you are capable of doing the same! Remember everyone has different strengths and weakness so do not judge your own performance against that of another just use them as inspiration and know that what one human being has achieved so can another!

Surround yourself with people who respect you and want what is best for you - people who are honest about your strengths and will help you work through your weakness. Give the same level of support to them!

Avoid people who continually undermine you or make you feel small. These people are just displaying very low self esteem. As your own self esteem grows you will find that you are no longer intimidated by another's self confidence or success and you can actually be joyful for them! Do things you love to do and that make you happy. A truly happy person never has low self esteem they are too busy enjoying life! By getting busy living your life with passion and joy you will not be able to be self-consciousness.

If you find yourself feeling self-conscious in any situation focus on the fact that others can tell and many of them will be feeling the same. Be honest. People respond to someone better if they openly say "To tell you the truth I'm a bit nervous" rather than displaying bravo or fake confidence that they can see right through. Their reactions to you, will show your mind at a deep level, that there was actually nothing to be frightened of and everything is great. If someone reacts to this negatively they are just displaying low self esteem and very quickly you will find others noticing this! Really listen to people when they talk to you instead of running through all the negative things that could happen in your head or focusing on your lack of confidence. People respond to someone who is truly with them in the moment..

Breath deeply and slow down. Don't rush to do things.

Stop the negative talk! 'I'm no good at that' or "I couldn't possibly do that" are affirmations that support your lack of self esteem. Instead say "I have never done that before but I am willing to try" or "how best can I do that?". Which leads us to the last point - the quality of the questions you ask yourself s very important.
When you ask a question it almost always has a preposition in it. For example, "How did I mess that up?" presumes that something was messed up, a better way of phrasing the question would be "what way can I fix this quickly?", as this presumes you can and will fix it. Or "How am I ever going to reach my goal?" could be rephrased as "what way will lead me to my goal quicker" presumes that you are going to reach your goal! Get the picture? Change the quality of your questions and your results will change!

Practise these techniques and watch your self esteem rise day by day. hypnosis


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