Thursday, July 07, 2005

Things Falling Into Place

The past couple of days havebeen pretty good and it finally feels like some of the goals that I have set for myself are starting to come to fruition. I feel pretty good about stuff right now. :)

In the working out arena, I have lost 10lbs. and have definitely gained muscle mass. I feel better than I ever have before and I am starting to be able to see the changes that working out has had on my body. My dress shirts do not fit very well through my shoulders anymore and if I flexxed hard enough, I could probably rip a couple of them. Cool. As far as the weight coming off, that has been a pretty sudden thing. It was just like my body decided that it didn't need it anymore and just started to drop pounds. Very odd but I am cool with it. The body works in weird ways.

As far as my finacial situation goes, I should be debt free by December or January if not sooner. My car will be paid off in August and then I just have my one credit card. I have tried to curtail my spending and while it is difficult for me to do, I have gained a little more self-control. I will be glad when I achieve this goal.

I think Mushi and I's house will be put on the market this month and hopefully sell rather quickly. Mushi is moving out of it as I type this I think. I am not sure where she is moving to because she won't tell me. I suppose that is her right and I don't horribly mind, it just tears at me a tad to think that I went from being her husband for a few months and boyfriend for four years to being this guy that she doesn't trust enough to even tell me where she lives. Its odd and it kind of hurts my feelings but oh well. She has always been very particular of her privacy and so this shouldn't come as a surprise to me. But the house should be selling soon so that will hopefully mean that a little money will come my way and there will finally be some closure to the whole divorce thing.

My job has been getting better lately as well. I have decided that while I am there I am going to make the best of it and make as much money as I can. I am also going to try to take on more leadership responsibilities while I am there. I am a good leader and everyone in the department repsects me. It is time to use that to accomplish something more productive than just selling computers and slacking off. I don't want to be there forever but while I am there I am going to enact positive change in the department. I also talked to my boss about he and I going on a business trip to a trade show soon and told him that I was interested in going. He seemed very positive to the idea so now I just have to find out when and where the next one is and he and I are going to it. I don't like my job but I need to switch things up while I am there or I think I am going to kill people. This is a positive way to switch stuff up. I think my boss liked my ideas too.

Summer school ended last night and I aced the final. If you ever want an ego boost, graduate and then take a 100 level summer school class. I am the one and only dominator. Now hopefully I can get another endorsement added to my teaching certificate without having to take more certification tests. At least I meet all of the credit guidelines now.

Living with Demonator is good. I enjoy having him and Phyrry around and I like cooking and watching movies with them. Sometimes we go on little mini-adventures and they are usually quite fun. I feel more at peace here.

In general, I feel more at peace. I feel calm and more confident. I still have moods where I feel like everything is falling apart but they aren't as often anymore. I do miss my old life but I am glad I have the opportunity to shape a new one for myself that is much more stable for me. I think that is where Mushi is at too. I still think of her all of the time and I imagine that will go on for a while if not forever somewhere in the back of my mind. I have a hard time dealing with "what if" scenarios and usually when I get depressed anymore it is because of those. I am trying not to do that as much. I do miss least the old her...but I think all of this happened for the best. I think this whole thing made both of us better people like we thought it would. As I type this, tears are rolling down my face. I am not sure why though. There is a little regret, mixed with sadness and a tad of anger, but there is also hope and hapiness in there too. I am happy for both her and I. She is being successful and more importantly, she is being herself now and I am starting to be me again too. I am setting myself up for success. I just wish it would get here quicker than I think it actually will. It is weird but Mushi and I's relationship took something away from both of us that we both missed. She just realized it before me. We had a good relationship in general though but both of us had to go out of our element to make it work and that wasn't right. I can accept that now and that brings peace.

Stuff is definitely getting better for me. I think it was pretty good all along but now that I am more assertive I am taking advantage of it. I can also see things a little more clearly now too. I have the ability to make myself happy and not rely on Mushi to do that for me. I can be me again. It has taken a long time to come to this conclusion but I am glad that I did.

Mushi, if you are reading this, I think I have a better understanding now of what you were feeling when we were together and I understand why you had to do what you did. I am not mad at you anymore for it and I am sorry I have been not very nice to you lately. I can stop that now, it wasn't good for either of us and I apologize. I feel better about the whole thing now and as usual, you were right about everything. Just please remember that I am trying to make a new life for myself to and respect that. I know you are busy but try to find time to get done what needs to get done and let me know if and when I can help you with the house stuff. I am glad you are happier and I am glad you are a nurse now. You will make a very good one.

On that note, I am going to finish this post up and go get in the shower. Working out makes me smelly. Things are getting better though and for the first time in a long time, I can see a light at the end of the tunnel and I feel like it isn't going to go away this time.


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