Monday, June 27, 2005


Last post, I talked about being sad and angry about how Mushi and I ended up. The anger part of it bugs me a lot. It used to be, when Mushi and I would have a fight or arguement, the issue resolved itself and neither of us stayed mad at each other for more than a few hours usually. We were good at talking about stuff....obviously not good enough....but still pretty darned good.

After I got done being a sad bastard about the whole divorce thing, anger started to creep into my emotions. I don't like being angry at Mushi. Even after all of this, I still have a very hard time not getting mad at myself for letting myself be mad at her. Do you understand? Its complicated. I still love her despite all of this and at times I feel like my emotions are going to rip me in two.

Another question that I ponder is what I would do if she decided she had made a mistake and wanted to get back together. There is still something in me that says I would do it in a heartbeat. It has diminished since we first broke up but it is still there. Anger again creeps in and makes me mad at myself for being so weak. I still don't have a rock solid answer to that one but I strongly doubt I will ever need one anyways.

The final big aspect of the whole ordeal that I struggle over is whether or not it has had a positive or negative affect on me. I know it has been largely positive for Mushi. If it has been negative at all for her, she doesn't let on when I am around. I am sure it has had some negative affect on her but she has always been good at concealling those kind of emotions from me. As for me, the answer again depends on my mood. I think so far, I have broken even. There have been some really good aspects of it and some really crappy ones to even it all out. Without this jolt, I don't know if I would have ever figured out what I wanted to do with my life. Now I know. At least I know for the most part. I want to be a teacher or a historian of some sort. I don't want to work in the tech industry like I thought for a while. I needed this stuff to happen to figure all of this out and that makes me said. Mushi has said some stuff to me that makes me wonder if I could have figured this out earlier if we would still be together and maybe on this night of our anniversary I would be cuddling in bed with her right now instead of punching out these paragraphs in the basement of an old house that I share with my friend and a lot of bugs.

I have also gotten more in tune with what I want from life in general. I have also become more concerned about my health and my body. Both are positive aspects to the divorce. On the flipside, I have really messed up mood swings sometimes. I was always pretty even keeled. I don't go crazy or anything but my highs and lows are much more distinct. I have also found my aggressive side. This is good and bad. I am not usually an aggressive person at least I wasn't. I do not think that I am aggressive in the mean way now either; sometimes though, I find myself going after things a lot harder than I ever have and wondering why that is the case. Somewhere along the line over the past few months, I picked up this sense of drive and urgency that definitely was not there before. I am much much more confident of myself now and I don't know why. I just know now that I am better than I gave myself credit for in almost every way. It used to be that when I set a goal for myself, it was more of a far away dreaming kind of thing. Now, I want a timetable for my goals and I want to see results or else I get mad. What happened to me being all laid back and stuff? This is a good thing too but it just kind of creeps me out. I can almost feel my personality changing. This is mostly good, just scary. I have never been so conscious of change before.

I am very lonely now. Never have I felt this way. Oddly, I have no desire to change this too much. I just don't really care anymore. I think this is bad right now but ultimately, may be a good part of the divorce. I have never had any reason to be lonely until now. I think this is making me stronger. That sounds wierd but it is true. I still have friends but I am lacking a companionship that was there with Mushi. I still crave that feeling but not like I used to. I think I can function perfectly well on my own now, I just wish that I didn't have to.

On a minor note, I don't cough as much or clear my throat anymore. For me, coughing and throat clearing is my most blatant nervous tick. I used to do it all of the time. Now I almost never do it. If my allergies act up then yes, the coughing comes back with the throat clearing. Now, I at least know why I am coughing. When Mushi was around I cleared my throat constantly and had a pretty good hack going on too. Does that mean, that she made me nervous? Odd. I am unsure what to make of it.

As the title states, I am torn on a lot of topics in my life right now. I have a hard time being mad at Mushi because she did what she did to better her life at I time when I was not doing that for myself. At the same time though, does the institute of marriage mean so little that you automatically drop it when you lose patience with it or your spouse? More time or another shot was all I asked, she was unwilling to give me either. I guess I am mad because I didn't get the chance to show her I have changed and to prove myself and that it where my anger stems from. I think she would like me better now.

Oh well, time to get some sleep. Must move forward.


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