Saturday, June 11, 2005

Happy Birthday Blog!!

Today is the one year anniversary of Mogwai's Mind! Happy Birthday to me...sort of!

In my initial post one year ago, one of the last lines says that things could get interesting and who knew how friggin' interesting they would get? A year ago today, I had just graduated from college, full of hope, and a very happy husband-to-be. If I would have known that this year would have gone like it has, I think I would have stayed in bed. If I were to give a title to the first year of my blog I would call it, Bipolar.

I was so happy one year ago today; I was going to get married to the girl of my dreams, I was a homeowner, I had a degree (though I was unsure if I would ever use it), everything was going exactly how I hoped they would. My life was really really good for the most part. What the hell happened?!

Lets see, about seven months after we got married, Mushi and I seperated and I moved in with my friend, Dylan. About a month after that, Mushi decided she wanted a divorce. A month afterward, I moved out of Dylan's and into my other friend, Demonator's place where I am currently. Mushi and I now talk maybe ten minutes a week if even that and I only see her if I need something from the house or she needs something from me, which is not very often. If there was a flipside to the coin that I was standing on a year ago, this is pretty much it.

The question I have been asking myself lately is this, is my life still good? I still have my job be that good or bad depending on my mood. I like living with Demonator. No one in my family has died or come close this year, YAY! I am in better shape than I have ever been. I am now solid on the fact that I do indeed want to teach something (preferably history) somewhere(anywhere). I am taking a summer school class to get another endorsement added to my teaching certificate. My car is almost paid off. And I do get to volunteer at the Idaho State Historical Society and I like that very much. I guess now that I am single I have a lot more options open to me but I would still rather be married to Mushi. Life is wierd now. I can still smile at things but I think I am a tad more jaded than I used to be. Especially, when it comes to relationship stuff. The whole thing with Mushi still finds ways to make itself fresh in my life and so I tend to think about that more than anything. I do think I am more mature now than I was a year ago. I think I see pretty much everyhting through the eyes of an adult now. I know I didn't then. That thought still drives me nuts because I think that was a good part of why Mushi and I aren't married anymore and it hurts to think that to an extent all of that stuff could have been prevented and I would still be happy old me with Mushi in my life had I just been able to be more mature. I guess I feel like the divorce was my fault and I can't get that out of my head. I always tend to shoulder the blame for things automatically and I need to stop that. I know it wasn't all my fault but it is hard for me to say that.

Life still has many good aspects but I would not say that I enjoy it as much as I used to. I guess a large part of that is because I feel kind of empty and lonely. I suppose that is to be expected for a while. I dunno.

On to happier thoughts, this is a birthday after all. This next year should also be an interesting one. For the first time in my life, I have absolutely no idea where I am headed. Actually, to rephrase that, I know where I want to go I just have no clue how I am getting there. I know that I want to teach and travel more. I know that I would like to meet new people. I know that I would like to get a place of my own, despite the fact that I enjoy living with Demonator. I also know that I would like to be debt free. That is a huge goal for me this year. I guess the big theme for this next year is hope. I hope for a lot of things. I hope that my life will not be stagnant anymore. I also hope I will find someone new to share my life with but if it doesn't happen anytime soon, I guess I will be okay with that too. I am going to live this coming year for me and do what I want to do.

I feel change coming and happening but I am unsure what that change is. It is like a big wave swelling up. I just don't know when it will wash over me. Or maybe, I am enveloped by change so much right now that I don't see it.

Either way, I've said it once and I will say it again, stay tuned because things could get interesting!


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