Monday, May 09, 2005

The Beginning of A New Week

On Friday of last week, Spyder, Jake, and I returned from Portland and the Portland Organic Wrestling thing. That was stupid. That was about six hours of my life that I won't be able to get back. It was like the short bus pulled up at a bar and let all of its occupants out to play dress-up and wrestle on the stage of a dive bar. All of the skits seemed improvised on the fly and the only real reason I could see for any of them being there was to get beer thrown at them from the crowd, which happened often. It was a complete waste of time and I hope that if I hit middle age and start doing the stuff that the Portland Organic Wrestlers tried to do, that someone would have the decency to put a gun to my head and end it all right there. I cannot emphasize how stupid and utterly devoid of purpose that the Portland Organic Wrestling scene is. Ugh.

Yesterday, was Mother's Day and so my brother and I took my parents out to eat. We went to the Texas Roadhouse and it was pretty good. I like their fries and the steak was okay. All in all, it was a good dinner. I think my mom had a nice time so that is really all that matters.

In a few minutes, I am going to go to Mushi's and proof-read our divorce papers. Joy to the world. I suppose if we are going to go through with this, it may as well get done sooner or later. I am getting to the point where I have to make an effort to even talk to Mushi. It is not that I utterly despise her, I just don't have anything particularly important to talk to her about. In ways, I am kind of jealous of her and that does not help things either. I try not to be jealous and I try not to be mad at her but it is really freaking hard. I hope I will ge over this because I am dissapointed in myself for having these negative emotions and if she and I are to remain on speaking terms I will need to get over all of this stuff. I dunno. I just think that my life would be much better if we were still together but then, I guess her life would suck still and I don't want that. Besides, after all of this crap that we have gone through over the past couple of months, I don't know if I could ever trust her enough to have any kind of meaningful relationship with her. I am having a hard enough time having a friendship with her, let alone anything else. I am kind of mad at myself about that too. I am trying to forgive and forget but I really can't forget stuff and I am having a damned hard time forgiving too. Hopefully, that is because all of this is still relatively new to me and over time my spiteful feelings will diminish. I am having a hard time dealing with the fact that I invested so much time and emotion into our relationship to have it turn out the way it has. Basically, a fifth of my life is down the drain with nothing to show for it except for some material things and a set of divorce papers. I think I have changed for the better over the past few years but at the same time, this is a crappy price to pay. But I guess that is life. I do hope she is happier now. I know she is happier now.

Anywho, this post really has run longer than I expected and I suppose I should be heading out to inspect the papers. I will post more later.


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