Monday, March 14, 2005

Time to Deal

This is a post I have been dreading but in the back of my mind, I have known I would probably write it sooner or later. Mushi and I are going to get a divorce. Since we seperated, I had a pretty good idea this is probably how things were going to end up but really didn't want to think about it. This is just the way it is.

Mushi and I talked for a couple of hours yesterday and we came to the conclusion that this is probably this best possible course of action for both of us. She is happier with the way things are now. I am glad for this and figured that that is why we did this whole thing to begin with, so we could be happier. Am I hurt, yes, but what do you do? I am going to deal with the cards life has dealt me and in the end I think I will come out of this a stronger and better person. I have to.

I don't think the whole divorce in and of itself will be that difficult. Neither of us have bad feelings toward each other and neither of us want to shaft the other person. Mushi is going to keep the house and I am going to keep our fat-assed cat, Totoro. The other stuff will get divided as well but there is no need for me to go into detail about that here. It will all go down in a manner respectful to the two of us.

The part I am having a hard time with is the fact that I am losing half of my family. I love Mushi's parents and sister and enjoy being around them. They are great people and took me in from the start. I will miss them and the time spent with them greatly. Dale, Peggy, and Steph are some of the nicest, most warm hearted people I have ever met and I wish I could spend more time with them. They were all very fun to be around and liked me even when I was a goth kid that wore a trench coat even if I did creep them out a tad. Mushi is very lucky to have them as family.

The other thing that gets to me is that fact that I have so many fond memories of Mushi and I and I am sad that I won't get to make more of them with her. I was looking forward to getting old with her and having kids at some point. Its the first time I have ever actually been ok with the idea of growing old and making a family; I could visualize it. But, it was not meant to be. This is really hard for me but I think it will be worth it as long as Mushi is happy. I will get back to being happy again too....I am just not sure when that will be. I do know that I do not like crying and I will be glad when I can stop doing that on a regular basis. I have done a lot of it lately, I am doing it now. I've dedicated five years of my life to Mushi and I do not want it to end. It is hard to imagine being with anyone else right now, it is hard to imagine being alone again. But I will deal.

I am really looking forward to my vacation. I am tired both emotionally and physically and it will be good for me to get away for a bit. Mushi is going on a vacation with her sister too and I think that will be good for her as well. I am glad to have some kind of closure to the whole thing. I felt like I was in limbo while we were separated and now I know where I stand and what I need to do. I am ready to move on with my life and start a new chapter. I just wish the previous chapter had not been so short. That’s life.


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