Saturday, March 26, 2005

And The Vacation Begins!

I am typing this entry from my grandma's house in Twin Falls. As soon as I got off work tonight, I jumped in my car and started down the highway. I made extremely good time, making the trip in just under an hour and a half. Tomorrow will be a big leg of the trip. I will leave here around 7am and start toward Alamo, Nevada. It will probably take me close to eight hours to drive it but I am cool with that. I will hit Area 51 tomorrow and take pictures. It should be a blast.

I think this trip will be good for me. I am so worn out right now, I am going nuts. I almost left my ATM card in the machine tonight on my way out of town I was so excited to get started. I just feel weird. I feel used up in just about every way possible. This whole divorce thing has taken a toll on me that I think I am just now starting to grasp. Last night I was getting supplies for the trek and it hit me that I was just buying the travel sizes of stuff for me and not Mushi as well. Everytime we take a trip I buy us travel sized aspirin, Q-Tip holders, toothpastes, etc, and this time I just bought that stuff for me. That really hit me for some reason. It wasn't bad at first but then I started to dwell on it and by the time I was in the McDonald's drive-thru, I had to try really hard to not start crying while talking to the person taking my order. By the time I pulled out of McDonalds I was inconsolable. I was bawling and driving at the same time and I had this overwhelming tide of loneliness sweep over me. I needed a hug in a bad way. Thankfully, Mushi was home and we talked for a bit. I have never felt like I needed a hug so bad in my life. I do not know what I would have done had Mushi not been there. All of this was brought on because of a dumb trip to Walmart. The thing is, this isn't the first time I have done this. Odd thoughts or activities will trigger it and I have cried myself to sleep on several occasions. I think I have issues. :)

The part of it all that I find worrisome is the fact that I am having a harder and harder time controlling these random extreme emotions. I think this is because I am so tired and stressed out. Between the divorce, living with Dylan and being in a new place, and my job, I am totally drained emotionally and mentally. The other part that bothers me is that Mushi will not be there everytime this happens to me. I do not think I would ever do anything stupid to myself, I just do not think it is safe to freak out and drive at the same time.

The bottom line is that I need this vacation in a bad way. I need to be alone and out of my element for a bit. I need time to sit alone in a car with myself in the middle of nowhere and come to grips with the fact that for the foreseeable future I will indeed be alone in the world. Yes, I have friends, but that is different. I do not have a companion anymore. I need to have time to myself to relax and accept the opportunities and challenges that come with being in the mode that I am in. I need to get to liking being single again.

This vacation will be good for me.

I do not know the next time I will post, but I am going to bet it is not going to be while I am near Area 51. When the government decided to find an out of the way spot to develope all sorts of weird top-secret stuff, they did a good job at it. Alamo and Rachel, Nevada are about as out of the way as you can get without falling of the edge of the Earth. When thinking about this, I can not help but to think about Native American coming of age rituals. How the teenagers would go into the desert by themselves with no food or water and commune with themselves and find out who they truly were. Spirit Quests. I am beginning to think that this trip is going to be my spirit quest.....minus the peyote.


At 2:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


Just want you to know that its okay. Strangely I recently had a dream about a long lost love, but later in the day I knew I'd be just fine!


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