Thursday, September 29, 2005


I was lying in bed just now when a wave of loneliness swept over me and provoked a somewhat curious thought. Since the whole divorce thing, I have been busy. I have been doing things, travelling, working out, pirating endless streams of data, reading, working, going out with Vixen, whatever, but in the end, one thing is for sure. I do not allow myself a lot of time to meditate on things. I am a doer.

Part of this stems from the fact that I know that when I have downtime, that is when I get most depressed. I don't like being retrospective or introspective particularly. When I am doing things, I am not thinking about what I am not doing. The exception to this has been the past month or so when I could not help to think that I was pretty much a failure up to this point in my life. This caused me not to sleep.

I think it is moderately funny that I am going to Japan. One of the places that I have dreamed about visiting since I can remember, and I am going to live there. That is crazy. The other thing that makes me kind of crack up is the fact that Japan is known to be one of the most lonely places for a Westerner to go to and I will be living there. Of all the emotions that one can muster in their lives, loneliness is the one that I am most scared of and that I most dread. Yet, there is part of me that has an overwhelming drive to be alone. I think parts of my mind are secretly plotting to make me think about everything I have done up to this point and come to terms with it. I haven't done this with some stuff as thoroughly as I should have and I think that I am pushing myself to do it.

Oh yeah, the whole insomnia you wanna know what started it? It all started because of a dream. The dream was encouraged by a question that a girl I work with asked me about my relationship with Mushi. She asked me, "You have to have had some good times with Mushi or else you wouldn't have stayed together as long as you did. Do you remember some of those good times?" When she asked me that, I had to think. I could remember great experiences that Mushi and I shared when we were first going out but after that, they petered off substantially. That made me really sad.

That night I went to sleep and for the first time in quite a few months I had a dream about Mushi. We were in a house, though not ours, and we were making dinner. We were in the kitchen together and we were cooking together. While we cooked, we talked and played and it was in this dream that I remembered all of the things that made me fall in love with Mushi to begin with and made me so fond of her. She was being playful and giggling and I was so happy to see her in this mood. This went on for a while and then I woke up.

I was alone in a big bed in the basement apartment of an older house that I share with Demonator. I felt so let down and alone right then that I kind of felt like I didn't ever want to sleep again and risk having another dream like that. The following night I only slept for a few hours and the same was true for the next night. By the third night, I wasn't sleeping at all. Then for a few days, I could only sleep thanks to sleeping pills. All because of a really really good dream that made me hate reality for a while. But the funny thing about that dream is that it enabled me to think about the positive aspects of Mushi and not just the negative ones. I feel more comfortable thinking about Mushi now because I am remembering her in a positive light. The negative stuff is still there and we had a ton of it in our relationship....thus the failure of it. But I remember good stuff now too and that makes me a tad more at ease with the whole thing for some reason. I don't like being mad a Mushi and I think that I was eating myself up by demonizing her in my mind as a way to make me feel better about the whole thing. I locked a lot of stuff away for some reason and all of that memory is coming back out again. All because of that one really good question.

It is odd how many steps one must take to fully come to grips with things that happen in their lives. To remember my feelings from seven or eight months ago and to recall the anger I had and then to flashforward to now, it is almost a Zen thing. I am much more at peace. The quitting Costco and going to Japan thing helps with this too but I am much more calm now. Anger still creeps in here and there as does loneliness and anxiety. But not as much as before and at least now when I don't sleep it is because of positive forces playing through my life. Its all so weird, maybe because I think I am a largely negative person. I am trying not to be anymore.

I had another shorter dream about Mushi a night or two ago. When I woke up, I wasn't dissappointed or sad, I just was.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

My New Mobile Buddy

I am typing this post from my new laptop. My Sony Vaio VGN-S580P notebook arrived this morning and I must say, I am impressed.

The laptop specs are as follows:

P4M 760 (2ghz) CPU
Wireless B/G/Bluetooth
Dual Layer DVD Rewritable Drive
100gig Hd
1gig DDR
Geforce 6400 Go Video card that uses 256megs of the system memory.
13.3" LCD
4lbs of weight (about 5 with the battery)

This laptop rocks, its easy to type on and the screen is friggin' bright. I am happy I like it because soon it will be the only computer I own. :)

In other news, my work visa application packet came in the mail today as well. That was kind of entertaining to fill out due to the fact that it is in Japanese and English. It seems that all of the cogs that will eventually carry me off to Japan are coming together.

Monday, September 26, 2005


Beh. I like drinking but I hate hangovers...especially the ones where you sit around debating whether or not you should throw up and just be done with it. I am also not a big fan of being all shaky and whatnot.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Giving Myself Christmas Off

Today, I went to work. I have never looked forward to going to work as much as I did today. Today was the day that I got to tell my boss and all of my co-workers that yes, there is indeed life outside of Costco. Oh yeah, I work at Costco, the blackhole of the service industry. I haven't said where I worked up until now because I didn't really need to walk into my job one day and have a manager ripping me a new one because of something some dumbass member read when they stumbled across this blog. Then again, I don't think most of our members can read so I probably didn't have a lot to fear to begin with.

Anywho, I told everyone today that December 9, 2005 would be my last day in the wholesale industry. I figured that I would stay until that date just for the money and something to do for a few months. Part of me wanted to quit before Thanksgiving but I figured I would snag one more paycheck after that and then take off.

I have wanted to utter the sacred words "I quit," for some time now....say six years and now I have and I feel like a ten ton weight has been lifted off my chest. I am free. And I am not tucking in my shirt anymore while I am there either, that was their dippy rule not mine. I look rather nice in the clothing I wear, most of which is not really meant to be tucked in anyway, no tucking shirts in anymore. Another thing that I will no longer do is put up with childish members trying to throw tantrums to get their way. If a member so much as flinches in a way that I find annoying I am going to let fly a verbal onslaught that will send them to their knees, weeping like Japanese school children when they gaze upon the face of their divine and glorious sensei, me.

Costco does not control me anymore. Now I feel like the girl in "The Labyrinth" telling David Bowie that he is a tool with an over-stuffed crotch. Goblin King...Hah!

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Bow to Your Sensei!!!

And when I say that, I mean it! Today, I was offered a teaching job in Japan and I will start it January 9, 2006!

The organization that hired me is called, The Peppy Kids Club. They have classrooms in almost every part of Japan except Tokyo and are well established and respected for their English language training that they offer Japanese students. I will be going over to teach English to children ages 3 to 15 for at least thirteen months maybe longer.

I will spend my first two weeks in Nagoya, Japan. Nagoya is a city of a little more than two million people that is a bit South of Tokyo. It is very close to Osaka. The first two weeks I am there, I will be training and learning the PKC cirriculum as well as my way around a good sized Japanese city. In comparison to Nagoya, Tokyo has a population of about 12.2 million people. I am so excited right now I could scream. I am not sure where I will live after I leave Nagoya but I will probably be getting that information soon. What a huge opportunity!

I have always wanted to go to Japan and I have always wanted to teach. Now I am fufilling two dreams in one swift blow. I will also get to take part in the cherry blossom festivals, one life goal I also get to check off. I am so happy right now, I did all of this on my own and I earned this. I am finally doing something with myself and it is what I want to do.

I haven't been this happy in a long long time. No offense to Vixen, but this may even top my first date with her. :) I think I will sleep good tonight and if I don't at least I know why. :)

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Fried Nerves Over Easy

Over the past couple of days, I think I have brought my fragile nerve endings to a nice golden brown. You know how earlier, I was saying that I had a one track mind that I could put into an endless and maddening loop if something got enough of my attention? I have done it again with this whole teaching in Japan thing. Tomorrow will be a week since I went in for the interview and I still have not heard back from her. I know she is doing stuff because one of the people I put down for a reference was contacted but she is not doing stuff fast enough for my liking. I check my email constantly and nothing. I am getting kind of pathetic. She said she would get back to me via email soon and I have not heard from her. I don't know whether to be worried or just chill the hell out. I am guessing the latter.

I think why I am getting so worked up over the whole thing is because to me, this represents my one opportunity that I have open to me to make a big change in my life in the short term. If I miss this door, I am going to end up doing something drastic like selling all earthly belongings and wandering the earth for a while or something. Everyone is trying to reassure me because in the back of my mind, even I know I am in an excellent position to get this job. I am very well-qualified for it...more so than most I would say. But who knows what will happen.

Either way, I will just sit and wait....and hopefully I won't have to do the waiting part for very long.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Eye of the Storm

Lately, that is where I feel like I have been living. this is a calm time, but I know that around me is possibly a torrent of change and chaos that is circling me and waiting to sweep me up. I haven't been sleeping again, sleeping pills are about the only way for me to get sound sleep now. I don't take them because I don't want to get addicted but now I can definitely see why people do get hooked.

I wish there was a way for me to turn off my mind and just focus on day to day living. This is not possible. At work I think of quitting, at home I think of leaving, in my car on my way to somewhere I think of veering off course and changing destinations. I have come to the conclusion that this is "go time". If I don't do something within the next few months, I am going to sieze. I need change to come into my life, I need new scenery. At this point drastic measures come to mind. As I type this, I am taking an inventory of my room and the material possessions that reside in it. I am trying to figure out what goes and what stays basically. I think it would be a very purifying experience to have only what I can take with me when I go where ever that may be. If not Japan, then somewhere else. Either way, I am going to ditch about 90% of my worldly belongings....think zen.....think balance. This is what I am going to attain and I can't do so with all of this stuff sitting around here and anchoring me. Material possessions do not control me anymore. I think that has been a problem I have had in the past.

I want to be a traveller. The term "hobo" has never sounded more inviting.

Friday, September 16, 2005

2 Countries, Three States, Three Major Cities, and 610 Miles

That is what I drove yesterday. If I never see my car again at this point, I won't be too heartbroken. Driving that much in one day just gets to be ludicrous after a while. But it was not in vain!

Odds are, I have got the teaching in Japan job and come about January 3rd, I will be on a plane to Nagoya, Japan. It is not 110% certain yet but if I were a betting man, I would put decent money on me being on that plane. The interview went really well and it seems that I am pretty much a perfect fit for what the company is looking for. It seems like a ton of fun and I hope everything works out the way I want it to. The lady that interviewed me said I was a very strong candidate for the job and said that people with education backgrounds take precedence over those without. I think I got the job!

In the next few days I should find out more, she said she was going to call my references and as long as they checked out then she would send me the paperwork for the criminal records check. Excellent.

In celebration, I went out and got the Lonely Planet Guide to Japan. I am still trying not to get my hopes up until it is certain, but at this point I think I am going. YAY!!!

Anywho, I am tired still from the drive and I think I will be going to bed early tonight. More info posted as I get it.

Monday, September 12, 2005

On The Eve of The Great Drive


I am writing now because I am unsure when the next time I will post will be. I am going to eventually end up in Vancouver, BC on Tuesday and my interview with the teaching in Japan people is on Wednesday. Tomorrow I will stay with my aunt and her husband, they live just outside of Seattle. The driving tomorrow and Tuesday will not be bad but I am dreading the Wednesday drive; Vancouver to Boise, straight shot. That is a thirteen hour ride that I am not looking forward to at all. In preparation I am going to be burning a few new music cds for the trip.

I am very hopeful that the interview will go well and I hope I will find out then and there whether or not I will be going to Japan. That would be a great burden off of my mind. I am really psyched that I might actually be going to Japan and doing something with myself. If I don't get to go, I will be dissappointed but at the same time kind of glad. There is stuff around here that I want to do and try to make progress with now. I wouldn't mind doing that either. That and I will miss living with Demonator, I like what we have going here in many respects.

Either way, wish me luck for Wednesday and I will update you either Wednesday night or early Thursday morning when I get back.

Friday, September 09, 2005

The Lack of Sleep Continues

I got off work early in an effort to come home and sleep. This did not happen. It is like my body is on overdrive and I can't stop it. I have a lot of stuff on my mind right now and I think it is making me hyper. I have my interview with the Canadians on Wednesday morning which means that as soon as the interview is over, I will be in my car and gunning it back to the better part of the North American continent. Wednesday is going to be a long day.

I am really excited that I may even have a shot of going to Japan and this could be part of the whole not sleeping thing too. In reading some of their stuff, it looks like I may actually have to pay rent in an apartment but it would be a reasonable $500 a month. I will still make plenty to live on. Hmm...if this whole thing goes through, my lifeis really going to change and while that kind of freaks me out, I know it is for the better. I need to do something with myself and this could be it. I guess I will find out on Wednesday.

I am going to buy some sleeping pills tonight and see if they can help me calm down. I need good sleep and I have not had it for a while. Hopefully, tonight that will all change.

Insomnia Sucks

It is 4am and I am still awake. I have to be at work at 10am and I am still awake. I have laid in bed for two hours now and I am still awake. Beh.

I have a lot of stuff on my mind right now and that doesn't help. But just because I have been thinking about a lot of stuff lately should not mean that I have a ton of energy at four in the friggin' morning. This is stupid. On top of that, I have not had a good night's sleep in almost a month. I would pay money if someone could do something for me that would get me to go to sleep soundly. I am not a pill popper but I am honestly thinking about going and buying sleeping pills after I get off of work in sixteen hours. Is it bad that I know the exact date of the last time I slept soundly without waking up for more than six hours? It was the night of Thursday, August 18th. I slept from 5:30am to almost noon on Friday without waking up once. Ok it was the morning of Friday, August 19th that I actually got sound sleep. Either way, it was the best sleep I have had in forever and before that morning, the last time I got sound sleep was Wednesday, July 27th, the first night I got to sleep in my actual ultra-squishy queen bed in months.

I think it is about time I begin thinking seriously about hacking my circadian rhythm again.

To Canada!!

I finally got around to giving my resume to this Canadian language institute that has a partnership with a Japanese company that places native English speakers in schools in Japan to teach English to the kids over there. The really crazy part is that ten minutes after submitting my resume, I get an email from a human resources person asking me when I can come to Vancouver, BC for an interview. They are taking their next batch of teachers to ship over in November and want to interview each applicant in person due to the fact that we will be teaching kids.

Either way, I am going to try to make the drive on Monday and come back on Wednesday after an interview either Tuesday or Wednesday. I think I will be making the trek to the Canadian frontier on my own which kind of sucks but hey, a road trip is a road trip.

If I do get the job, I will be over there for either a year or two years. They will pay for my apartment and I get about $2500 a month for payment. I would teach 4-6 classes a day with about 10 kids per class. The ages range from 3-15, hopefully more older kids than younger but either way it should be interesting. I get weekends off and am free to do whatever when I am not teaching. They have schools in all parts of the country other than Tokyo but with their hyper-efficient train system, adventures in Tokyo would not take that long to get to. It would be fun I think.

Part of me is kind of creeped out by the idea of living alone in a country with people that speak a totally different language than I do but at the same time, this is what I have wanted to do for a long,long,long time. I think the being alone part would be good for me. The part that I really like is the fact that I would be able to learn the language and that could help me on fifty different levels, but I would also be teaching and actually DOING something with myself. I need to start doing something in a bad way. The historical society is a good start but I need a major change. I have seriously been contemplating selling most of my belongings and just moving somewhere, anywhere, as long as it is new and foreign to me. I think that would kickstart something for me, despite the fact I am not sure what that something would be. I want to be mobile with no tie-downs. At the same time, I want to settle down and have a family and career. Bottom line: I am confused. There is part of me that really wants to disappear somewhere for a couple of years and then there is the part of me that wants to find a girl, get a career, and start a family.....again. Hopefully, more permanently this time.....yeah. I don't know, at least this would be something.

On the mobility note, I sold my old laptop and ordered a newer, lighter, longer batteried notebook from Sony. It should be here by October 1st. I also applied for my passport today and it will be here by October 20th. I figured it would be handy to have even if I don't get this job. I can leave country whenever after I get that guy.

Anywho, hopefully Monday will be a long day of driving and hopefully the trip will yield me a new job. My mom hopes so, she already is making plans to visit me if I get it.

Monday, September 05, 2005

New iPod Battery

I installed a new battery into my iPod tonight and found that to be much easier than I expected. I have one of the older 2nd generation iPods and those were the ones that had crappy batteries installed into them. The old battery would only last a couple of hours and would not hold a charge for very long either. I picked up a new battery off of eBay for $18.00 and popped that in tonight.

The little guy is charging right now so I am interested to see what kind of life I get out of this one. Anything more than three hours will make me happy, I am hoping for around 7 or 8 hours. I will keep you posted.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

The Happenings Over The Past Couple of Days

Sorry I haven't posted in a few days, my bad, I just haven't really felt like writing about too much. Where to begin?

I have been following the tragedy that is New Orleans quite closely. I had been planning to go there very soon and I get the feeling that won't be happening. I have always like the look and atmosphere that New Orleans as a city projects to the rest of the world. It is a very unique place and I was hoping to go there for either Mardi Gras or just a short vacation early next year. It will be interesting to see if they even have Mardi Gras this year...if they do, the parade may have to be on rafts. It is such a shame that much of the city will have to be torn down and rebuilt; fortunatley, the French Quarter remains largely intact so from a historical standpoint not all has been lost. For anyone that lives in that area, I feel for you and wish you and your families the best.

In other news, I formatted my big computer and reinstalled everything. It is smooth as butter once again. I like fresh systems. I sold my laptop yesterday and will probably be ordering my new one this next week. Sony has a six months same as cash deal going on that I will be taking advantage of. This will be my last laptop for a while I think. I am trying to make this as future proof as possible and as light as possible. If I go travelling I want something that can come with me and not take up a ton of space or weight.

Last night, Vixen came over and watched a couple of movies with me. Demonator and Phyrry floated in and out as both of them were doing other things. It was a good time. We have been watching a lot of a show called "Wonderfalls" lately that is quite good. So good in fact that it was cancelled after four episodes had aired. Phyrry bought the dvds and they made 13 episodes all together. It was a pretty good series.

Lastly before I take off to work, my tattoos are healing up nicely and I will post pics of them but not quite yet. I let them get too dry and Evil Homer especially, is peeling a tad. When I take a shower it weirds me out to see my skins peel off in multi-colored confetti-esque fashion. It freaks me out a tad. It doesn't help that I normally sleep on my left arm either. I think in a day or two though they will be as right as rain.

Well, that is all for now. I need to take off for work. Later!